CRIMES OF OMISSION

New York Blade, November 9, 2007

IF A TREE FALLS in the forest and no one hears it fall, does it make a sound? The same question could be posed to homophobia: if no anti-gay slurs are said, does the cruel sentiment still exist?

Unfortunately, I believe it does. Recently, my boyish-looking girlfriend endured a humiliating incident at Viand, a Greek diner on the Upper West Side, where she lives. She had been there before and always treated cordially, but this time was different. The hostess said, “Let’s go to the back,” though the café was only a quarter full, and led her to a remote table in the corner next to the dishwashing station. There wasn’t even a place setting laid out, as though the table was used only as backup seating on a crowded night. The hostess tossed the menu down and hustled back to her station.

Soon, my girlfriend’s teeth were on edge from the constant clatter of plates and silverware only inches away. The wait-staff ignored her when she asked to move to a table closer to the front. Finally, she approached the hostess and asked her why she’d been shunned to the back table when there were plenty of better seats available. The hostess pursed her lips, but said nothing. No explanation or apology. My girlfriend left bewildered and determined to never go there again.

WHEN SHE TOLD me this story, I immediately thought of Khadijah Farmer’s experience the afternoon of the Pride March last June at the Caliente Cab Company in the West Village. Farmer, a butch lesbian, had been followed into the ladies’ room by the restaurant’s bouncer, who believed she was male. When Farmer proved him wrong and offered to show him her I.D., he refused and she and her friends were thrown out of the place (though not without being made to pay their bill). Since then, the restaurant has offered no apology or restitution for the insult.

These two events, between service personnel and butch-looking women, played out in different ways, but the underlying reason was the same. Unlike Farmer, my girlfriend was not verbally abused, nor were the wait-staff’s gestures overtly homophobic—but she was nonetheless convinced her appearance was the reason she was treated like a pariah, separated from the other diners so no one would see her, and intimidated by their indifference.

STEALTH HOMOPHOBIA, through words and gestures of omission, is still homophobia. It is frustratingly difficult to prove, but it is real and as malicious as an overheard insult.

Perhaps this crime of omission is what happens when overt anti-gay discrimination goes out of style, as it has in New York. Maybe Viand’s staff knew that openly refusing service to dykes would be socially unacceptable, so they chose subterfuge to get their exclusionary message across. That message is not always immediately apparent to the target of stealth homophobia, because subtlety is its hallmark. She tries to make sense of the situation, and struggles to find justification for her feeling that something was uncomfortably awry. She questions herself for evidence of some social line crossed or inadvertent offense committed.

Instead, we should be criticizing the arrogance and entitlement of those who feel they’re justified in their discrimination. By being silent in their homophobia, they hide behind the mask of tolerance. We don’t expect restaurants in New York City to be biased in their service, and they don’t expect the victims of such service to speak up. Like the Caliente Cab Company, they offer no apology because they believe the victim can’t prove any wrong-doing.

If we, as gay people, say nothing, we allow the homophobes to get away with it—and stealth homophobia becomes accepted. Calling out this menace is necessary and valuable to all of us, because it sheds light on what is neither logical nor justifiable. We can’t allow discrimination to become established, especially in a city as progressive as ours, and we can’t let those discriminated against believe they are to blame.